4 years.

Time seems to be flying and standing still at the same time. How is that? I cried myself to sleep last night. Trying so hard to cry softly so that I didn't wake Hubs. I cried because today it's been 4 yrs since Zachary left us to go to heaven. 4 yrs since I almost died due to that fucking stupid doctors mistake. 4 yrs since I woke up in the ICU on life support trying to figure out where the hell I was. 4 yrs! I am not that same person who 4 yrs ago walked into the Drs office for what I thought was a routine Dr appt. I'm not that person anymore. I don't trust doctors anymore. I don't let people get to close to me anymore. Because if I do what if I lose them? I Know I can't bear that again. No way. So people are held at a distance. I feel like even my kids and hubs are distant. I Love them. More then Anything. But I feel like I Could Love them more. maybe if I just hold some In then it won't hurt? I don't know. I thought about it so much last night. DG and I talk about Zachary but hubs and I don't. I don't want to hurt him so I just don't talk about Zachary. I'm sure that he won't even remember today. Who knows maybe he Does remember but doesn't want to cause Me pain and won't say anything? I don't know.
My Cousin L is naming her baby Zachary. She felt bad when I found out because She says that she didn't know that is what we named Our baby. But her mom my Aunt Es hurt me so badly. She's Always been my favorite auntie. Until now. She hurt me and I don't know if I can get past it. We were at the hospital visiting my Gran and she brought L's baby up and I explained to her that it's Hard to hear her or L talk about Her Zachary but I knew that they were naming him that. My Aunt kinda looked at me weird and said" well they'd wanted to name their baby Zachary since they started dating soooo" Like MY Zachary was a Dog that died and it was Ok that they were naming Their baby Zachary since mine was gone.. It hit me so hard. Damn it to Hell Yes MY Zach is Gone but he WAS still Zachary! He is my Baby! Fuck you Aunt E!
No one seems to remember him or Me. in a family where we're all supposed to love and support one another Where is MY Support? Where is MY love? good question.
So I will remember Zachary. I will keep the baby I never got to hold, to see alive in my heart.
beacuse it seems like no one else does.
Mommy Misses you beyond measure. I Love you more today then ever before and I will Never forget you.

Stuff

Guess that's a good a title as any lol My Grandma is doing so great that she's supposed to get to leave the hospital today! yah. Thank you God. She's going home to live w/ her oldest daughter and her DH. She's just not able to go home to her house yet. Hopefully before to long she'll be strong enough to. She does have the MRSA staph infection in her bladder though. that freaked me out a bit since we didn't know it and DG and I went to the hospital to visit her. I'm praying hard that shelbie doesn't get sick. Or me either but especailly not my girl.
I've been thinking more and more about when to get my scope test done and how much it'll cost out of pocket. I know I need to get it done but When? I started taking the nexium again last wednesday 11-4 and since then it seems like it's hurting my stomach. It seems like my stomach is bothering me more then before on the pantaprazol. I do know that it helps the heartburn though. and I actually got to drink a few beers the other night and my stomach didn't hurt at all. Usually when I drank something like beer or mixed drink I could drink 1 and then anything after that my stomach would hurt and i'd feel so awful. I'd almost have to eat a roll of tums or somthing to get it to quit. But amazingly not this time. lol. I'm not a big drinker anyway because my Grandpa was an alcholic and so I don't drink much at all.
Another thing going on is that since Monday my side has been hurting a lot. My left side right below my ribs. I don't know What is going on, I don't know if it's constipation or what. if it's still hurting next week i'll probably have to go back to the Dr. Praying that it's nothing.
Still fighting w/ the insurance over 2 claims on DG. I Hate insurance companies!

Dr appts

Today I had a Dr appt with my regular GP dr. My presp for my acid reflux med had run out so he wanted me to come in and see him before he'd refill my presp! Great! not. lol. $40.00 later he said that I need to get an Endoscope done to make sure that acid reflux hasn't damaged my stomach or throat. this is something that I do Not want to have done. i'm terrified of having anything down my throat and i'm scared of what they might find :( I have to check my insurance to see what Dr would be able to do it. I know I will have it done but man i'm dreading it so much plus just how much would it cost?

Dentist appts.

Both kids had dental checkups today. I just went ahead and let them stay home from school instead of me picking them up and then driving 45 min to the dentist. lol. Funny but they didn't seem to mind to much lol. This was the first time DG had seen this dentist and the 2nd for BigS. His first time was when he had the chipped front tooth and they fixed it for him. I Love this dentist office! They are So sweet and gentle and made them both and me feel at home and comfortable. Great news too is that neighter one had Cavities! yah!! They said that DG will have to have braces in the next couple yrs for sure. We already knew that much since she's got a Major Underbite. It's just Such a huge relief to know that they have healthy teeth and we don't have to go through the fillings etc... again this year.

10-23-09

I put the date at the top cause sometimes blogger doesn't do it for me lol. I don't know why but for some reason I feel like writing today. I sat here and read back through some of my old posts and it brought up old memories. Things are pretty good around here. BigB is getting to work Thank God. Things at his job are pretty rough right now. They laid off a bunch of people for 1 week and then when they thought they'd get to come back to work they told them they'd be off for another week. My cousin K is laid off. :( He's an electrician there. I feel bad for him and everyone who's laid off. And Thanking God that BigB isn't. I'm still not working. Which is not good right now. We've had to dip into our savings a lot lately. I Hate doing that but we had no choice. We had to pay a Big medical bill that our insurance is screwing us out of plus truck insurance plus this plus that! it adds up so fast. Way to fast. The school has called twice for me to sub but both times I couldn't. Honestly i'm not wanting to anyway. I know I Need to work but for some reason I can't really explain I just do Not want to sub. BIgB has asked me if I was going to answer their calls lol. I will but man don't wanna. can't explain it.
I took DG to the eye dr for a checkup and she has an astigmatism (sp) and needs glasses for reading. She's excited lol. I hope she keeps that excitment. One of her good friends has glasses so I think it'll be Ok. I'm taking her tonight to get them. BigS has soccer games tomorrow and the weather is Supposed to be really nice. I'm praying that it will be. The last 2 saturdays he's played it's been Cold and miserable. last saturday they only played 1 game because it started raining and it was SO cold. Today is cold and rainy too. yuck. but I guess that's fall this year. They say we're supposed to have a Very cold and wet winter. Maybe another ice storm like in January? lol. hope not really. that was awful. 8 days without elect. not fun!
My Grandma is doing amazingly better! Praise God! She's able to bear weight on her right leg now and can lift her arm to her mouth. :) And she's able to eat more solid food. until now it's had to be pureed' yuck. She's happy about that. We may have to go by and see her tonight since we'll be intown.
I have wondered lately how things are going at the store for R. I've driven by there at the regular"lunch" times and there were barely if Any cars in the parking lot. I know it's not because i'm gone that people don't go there much anymore I really think it has more to do with her attitude toward people and her 'friendlyness. (sp) She has 2 girls working for her now plus the guy that worked there when I was there. He cooks in the afternoons and sundays. I have heard that he's good. He's a great guy! Senior in high school. He puts up with a Lot of stuff. I honestly don't wish her any ill will. she's family and while It didn't work out w/ me working there I hope it works out for her. She'll need to change things though. I can tell. Oh well not My problem anymore. I do miss working there. But working there Before it all went to hell in a handbasket! I know that God has a plan for me and I'm praying that he will make it known.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day:

As much as I wish with all my heart that we didn't Need to have a remembrance day we do. And as Much as I wish with All my heart that I didn't belong to this club I do. Almost 4 years ago I found out that our baby Boy Zachary Paul had passed away in-utero. He had a Chromosonal problem called Trisomy 18. I can still remember exactly what I felt when I found out he was gone. My heart hit my feet and from that second to this day I have never been the same. It still feels like there is a piece of me gone. I can't ever get it back. Even if I went on to have 10 more kids it would still be gone. it hurts. omg how it hurts. even now. Even almost 4 yrs later. He's gone. he's not here with us like he was supposed to be. it's not right and it's Not Fair! I will Never Ever forget my baby. Ever. So tonight I will light a candle for Our baby Zachary Paul and for Every baby that left us to soon.
I know that one day I will be reunited with him. What Peace that gives me.

Another Gran update:

I heard from my Mom yesterday afternoon that My Grandma is doing soo much better! What a Huge blessing. I'm So thankful to God. She was sitting up and talking and laughing, as well as Eatting! Praise God!!! DG and I are planning on going to see her today. She's been so worried about her Great-Granny. :( BigS has soccer practice this afternoon and his Daddy is supposed to take him. I can't Wait to see my Grandma to make sure for Myself that she's doing better.

Another Grandma Update:

Well I spoke to soon about my Grandma. Yesterday after I wrote my other post I found out that My Grandma has taken a bad turn. She refused to eat and hardly drink and is so out of it. I had to find out from my cousins Status on Facebook! I called my Dad to see if he knew anything and he said that people were out there seeing her then. So I got the kids together and Dad went w/ us out to see her. I have never seen my gran that way. Ever. She looked so defeated. So tired and so ready to go home. She told my Aunt M that she was ready to go home to Heaven. and that she wanted to do to sleep and never wake up. I think my Gran has given up. It kills me. I just cried and cried. My Gran is SO important to me. She and my Grandpa used to take care of me & my brother when we were little. I had The best childhood. Grandpa would let us milk the cow and Gran would let us strain it and churn butter. She is the one who taught me how to make homemade biscuits and gravy. I remember her making me peanut butter and kyro syrup and so many other things. She's such a Godly woman. So compassionate for others and so loving. I'm praying that we have more time with her but if God decides to take her home I pray that it is peaceful and pain free.